Category: Writing

Evelyn loves that Alexa can make up bedtime stories that insert her as a character. But she’s frustrated that Alexa’s repertoire is limited to stories not about her favorite TV-Y7 superhero team. So I agreed to cobble together something that her music player could use to make up and read her self-insert superhero stories. And because why not, I’ve put a version on my website, though this version has for understandable reasons been modified to use Original Characters Do Not Steal. Enjoy:

(Reload this article to get a new story)

Normally this time of year, I remind everyone to celebrate the historical figure named Columbus who is credited with discovering something on account of being the first European man to notice, despite the fact that the locals had been well aware of it forever: Renaldus Columbus, “discoverer” of the clitoris.

But this year, I’m going to try something else…

Happy Columbo’s Day.

A small fragment this week because I’m feeling a little stuck writing it. It’s part of an idea that came into my head a while back, but fits in pretty late in the story. This started out in my head as normal prose, but it had some very obviously ludic elements so I leaned into that and found the idea sort of gently trending toward a place that’s somewhere between Psychonauts, Persona, Silent Hill and Disco Elysium, only slightly hornier. Anyway, we’ll see where it ends up.

Glass in hand, Ian took a step back from the bar. Some ways off, near the dance floor, he caught a glimpse of her. She hadn’t seen him yet. He wondered if she’d actually expected him to show up when she’d mentioned it. He steeled himself to make his way over and say hi. On his third step, he passed through the shadow of a wiry man in a leather shirt.

Ian swayed, almost knocked over by it. A wave of malice unlike anything he’d ever felt before. He stumbled away, looking for a place to sit. There was an open corner booth, secluded enough. He slipped into it. He tried not to stare, but took a quick glance at the wiry man. There was a sort of dark smudge around him now, almost like a thick black outline were traced around him. Ian gave a quick look around himself. The noise and crowd was its own kind of privacy. Not ideal, perhaps, but he felt a strong urgency that wouldn’t let this wait. He touched the mark on his wrist and traced out the sigil of communication with his finger on the tabletop.

“What are you doing? We’re not expecting a check-in until tomorrow.” Ugh. He was hoping he’d get Keith back. Were they keeping them apart for some reason? Donna always sounded so judgmental.

“I saw something,” he told her. “By accident. And it’s weird.”

“I’m bringing your location up now. We’re not tracking anything in your area. Are you some kind of magnet for this? We’re supposed to be the ones sending you out. I’ve never seen anyone have two random encounters in a week, let alone three. Use the tracking sigil on it and we’ll follow up tomorrow. No point in causing trouble now.”

“It’s weird, though,” Ian told her as he drew the lines and swirls of a tracking sigil. “It felt a lot stronger than anything I’ve felt before. And now I’m seeing things.”

“Seeing things?” Donna asked. That her tone had switched from annoyance to alarm was not lost on Ian. “Seeing what?”

“Not sure. A kind of black halo?” He glanced back at the man. Something about his body language rubbed Ian wrong.

“Stop. Don’t finish the sigil,” Donna said forcefully. “You should get out of there.”

“What?” Ian asked. She’d been just a hair too slow; he’d finished forming the sigil as she’d spoken. Everything went sideways for a second as he was overcome by a flood of nausea and anger. The man looked up suddenly and… Was he sniffing the air? He didn’t seem to notice Ian specifically, but something had alerted him.

“He’s about to do something. I need to-”

“You need to stop and leave, right now,” Donna said, forcefully. “This isn’t for you.”

Before Ian could respond, he was hit by another wave of malice. Without quite processing how, knowledge forced its way into his mind. The wiry man, or the thing inside him, was hunting. Looking for prey. It was going to do- Ian physically recoiled at the feelings leaking from the black halo. The dark thing was looking toward the dance floor. Looking toward-

“No time. He’s going to hurt someone. I have to…”

“You can’t,” Donna demanded, but Ian was already tracing the sigil. “Bullocks,” she grumbled. Her voice was fading. “Hold on-“

The exciting conclusion, built around a punchline I did not, in fact, have planned from the start, but which only came to me while writing the previous part.

In Which a Party is Held, and the Geode is Finally Caught.

Rabbit had such a good time on his geocaching Expotition that he immediately told all of his friends and relations. And when one has as many friends and relations as Rabbit, well, suddenly geocaching had become less of a Expotition and more of a Popular Fad.

As you will recall, the button left by the Piglet had been collected by Eeyore in return for a ribbon, which had gone to Owl, who left a quill in its place. Meanwhile, the spring left by Tigger was traded by Rabbit for a gardening glove,

The next day, the feather was taken by Early, who left in its place one of the nicest bottle caps in his bottle cap collection. The bottle cap was taken later that day by Late, who thought it would make a good birthday present for his brother Early, as he collected bottle caps. Late left a temporary tattoo of Lightning McQueen.

The gardening glove went to Henry Rush, the beetle, who felt it would be a lovely summer home. In its place, he left a guitar pick. The guitar pick, in due course, was taken by Small, who left a highly detailed 1:87 scale model of the 1987 Progress Rail EMD-SD70ACe-T4 Locomotive Unit 7240 out of Houston.

Even Lottie the otter took a turn, as did Gopher, despite not being in the book, and Beaver, and Kessie the Bluebird, and Lumpy, and even Penguin. And then, once all the animals of the Hundred Acre Wood had taken a turn at finding the Geocache, Christopher Robin himself found it. He signed the book, and took the very pretty rock that had been left there by Winnie-the-Pooh, and in its place he left… Well, actually, I’m not going to tell you what he left, because as far as I know, it is there still, and if some day you happen to be geocaching in the Hundred Acre Wood, you just might be the one to find it yourself, and then wouldn’t it be a lovely surprise?

Because he saw how much all of his friends had enjoyed learning about Geocaching, Christopher Robin decided to throw a party in honor of Evelyn (and Red Zoomer) to thank her for introducing them to this grand new game. There was honey, and haycorns, and thistles, and carrots – both raw and cooked, as someone had heard Evelyn preferred her carrots cooked – and extract of malt, and little cocktail toasts with butter and sugar sprinkles, and American pasteurized processed cheese food product, and plenty of Tropical Fantasy Fruit Punch.

Everyone had tremendous fun at the party. There was dancing, and games, and music, and everyone sang, “For She’s A Jolly Good Fellow” along with other public domain songs, and then they all settled in to talk about the various treasures they had each found in the geocache and how much fun it was to go on a special expotition.

Presently, Roo decided to demonstrate a new bounce he’d been working on, except that it didn’t quite go to plan, with Roo ending up on entirely the wrong side of the picnic table and everything which had been on top of it being sent into a sort of very general disarray. And among the things which were sent into disarray was the very pretty rock which Winnie-the-Pooh had left in the geocache, and which Christopher Robin had subsequently taken out of it. And the sort of disarray it was sent into involved bouncing off the ceiling and then hurtling toward the floor, only with Piglet somewhere in the middle, such that he would have received a very severe bonk on the head, had Evelyn not been there to catch it instead.

“Oh thank goodness,” Piglet said. “I should have had a very nasty bump. Thank you, Evelyn.”

But Evelyn looked at the very pretty rock in her hand and said, “Oh dear. The rock must have broken when it hit the ceiling.” And she showed everyone how there was now a crack running the entire length of the rock, and as she held it up, the whole thing fell apart into two pieces. “Christopher Robin, I’m sorry your rock got broken,” Evelyn said. But the others looked surprised.

To everyone’s wonder and amazement, the rock was hollow. Moreover, the inside of the rock was lined with tiny red crystals. Owl flapped his wings in surprise. “I say,” he declared, “I do believe that is a-”

“It’s a geode,” Christopher Robin declared. “They taught us about them in school. Do you know what this means?” Everyone sort of nodded understandingly as if they all understood exactly what it meant, but then started to shuffle nervously because they very much hoped no one was going to ask them to actually say what it meant.

But finally, Edward Bear, Winnie-the-Pooh, Pooh Bear (Pooh for short), Friend of Piglet (FoP), Rabbit’s Companion (RC), Eeyore’s Comforter and Tail-Finder (ECaTF),  Pole Discoverer (PD) and Geocache Finder (GF), spoke up. “It means,” he said, in a suitably impressed sort of voice, “That Evelyn has Caught the Geode. The Geode has been Caught. By Evelyn.”

“My friends,” Christopher Robin announced, “All our hard work Geode-Catching has finally payed off. Today, Evelyn has caught the geode!” And everyone gave three cheers for Evelyn, and if they hadn’t already been having a party, they would have thrown a party for her. And Christopher Robin told Evelyn that even though the Very Pretty Stone had been his geocache treasure, he would very much like for her to keep half of it, while he kept the other half, so that wherever they were, they could look at their half of the geode and remember this adventure.

And so she did.

In Which Evelyn Learns How To Button a Button, and Owl Gives an Etymology Lesson

As it was only a little past lunchtime when Piglet had left Evelyn and Red Zoomer to their own devices, girl and scooter decided – though really it was mostly Evelyn doing the deciding – to spend a bit more time in the Hundred Acre Wood that day and see what other friends they could meet. So she turned southward, and before long, came to the part of the wood known as Pooh Corner, where the old gray donkey Eeyore had once built himself a house, and a short while later, his friends had disassembled it and then built it again.

And there, thankfully where it had been left the second time, was the little house, and there, beside it, was Eeyore, gloomily munching on some thistles. “Hello Eeyore,” said Evelyn.

Eeyore said nothing, but looked up from his thistles and glanced about himself, then returned to them with a gloomy sigh. “Would you like to find some treasure?” Evelyn asked.

Again, the donkey looked up, and looked all about himself, and gave another gloomy sigh. “I beg your pardon, small child,” he finally said. “But you seem to be looking for someone.”

“I’m saying hello to you, Eeyore,” Evelyn said, patiently. “I want to take you on an adventure.”

“Ah,” said Eeyore. “I fear you are mistaken. It’s Pooh Bear you want. Visitors to this wood are always looking for him.”

“No, Eeyore, I was looking for you.”

“Piglet then,” said the donkey. “He’s not so well known as Pooh, of course, but charming in his way.”

“Eeyore,” said Evelyn, “I’ve already visited with Pooh, and Piglet, and Tigger too. And now I want you to come with me to find treasure.”

“Me?” asked Eeyore, not at all convinced.

“You,” Evelyn repeated.

Eeyore turned around in a circle, just to be certain, then gave a little nod of resignation. “I suppose it must be, then,” he said. And off they went.

Evelyn was by this point getting quite good at finding the shady spot quite near the north pole, but she made a great show of checking her map, for Eeyore’s benefit. When they finally got there, Eeyore looked around the place and sighed. “I see,” he said. “I understand now. Finding a treasure is an Expotition which calls for Brain. And Pooh, and Piglet, and Tigger, and even Little Roo, well, they are of course quite agreeable for spending a lazy afternoon playing Pooh Sticks or catching butterflies. But they haven’t a single brain between them, just fluff. This, I think, is a job that calls for some other animal. I shall set myself to it.”

And so he did. He set himself to the search with all the speed and vigor of a tired old gray donkey. And quite some time passed as he looked all around the shady spot, under leaves, and between blades of grass, and on top of mushrooms. Evelyn passed the time by trying to teach herself to climb trees (without much success) and how to button buttons (with a little more success), and by sometimes making a loud “Ahem” sound while tapping the fallen log with her foot.

But eventually, as it was starting to get a bit late, Evelyn said, “Eeyore, have you tried looking inside this log?”

“What?” said Eeyore. “What’s that? How is anyone to search for treasure with these constant interruptions? Here I am, just about to search inside this fallen log, when all of a sudden, I am interrupted. Honestly.” Then, Eeyore looked inside the log, and nodded very sagely to himself. “Aha,” he said.

“Have you found something?” Evelyn said, as casually as she could, given how long this particular Expotition had taken.

“I have found A Something,” Eeyore said. “Of a very suspicious kind.”

Evelyn helped Eeyore take the jar out of the log and declared, “Eeyore, you’ve found the treasure!”

“Have I?” he asked.

“Yes, look,” Evelyn said, and opened the jar. And there inside, Eeyore saw all the various treasures, such as the pretty rock from Pooh, and Tigger’s spring, and Roo’s marbles, and Piglet’s button.

“Oh,” said Eeyore, with a little longing look in his eye. “Well I don’t suppose… No, no, it could never be…”

“What is it, Eeyore?” asked Evelyn. “Would you like a piece of treasure?”

“It’s just… If no one would object… That button…”

Evelyn took the button out of the jar. It was the one that Piglet had put in that morning. “Do you want the button, Eeyore?” she asked.

Eeyore looked over his shoulder. “I think that a button like that would be just the thing to attach my tail. Nails can be fickle things, you know.” Evelyn looked at Eeyore’s backside and saw that his tail was held on with a nail, and could tell that it would take only a very little bit of pulling for the nail to come out.

“You could have the button, Eeyore,” Evelyn said. “If you have something to trade.”

“Hm,” said Eeyore. “Hm indeed. Aha.” And he took out a length of ribbon. “I had been saving this ribbon to replace my tail in the event I lost it again,” he explained. “But with that button, I don’t expect I’ll be needing it any more.”

Evelyn agreed that the ribbon would be a very grand thing to trade for the button. So she put the ribbon in the jar and took out the button. And while Eeyore was writing his name in the log book, Evelyn, who, as you will recall, had just been practicing a little while ago, buttoned the button onto Eeyore’s tail so that it was fixed firmly to him and wouldn’t fall off.

Once the treasure was safely put away back in its log, Eeyore swished his tail a few times, and nodded contentedly. “Thank you, small child,” he said. “You have done a great kindness to an old donkey.”

“You’re very welcome, Eeyore,” said Evelyn.

And so Eeyore went back about his business, and as it was getting late, Evelyn went home for the night. But the next morning, she returned to the Hundred Acre Wood, and this time, she made her way to The Chestnuts, and climbed up to the house of Owl. The sign on Owl’s door read, “PLES RING IF AN RNSER IS REQIRD. PLES CNOKE IF AN RNSER IS NOT REQID.” Evelyn could not read this sign, but it hardly mattered as there did not seem to be a bell pull anyway, so Evelyn knocked on Owl’s door.

“Hoo-oo’s there?” called the voice of Owl from behind the door.

“It’s Evelyn,” Evelyn said. “And you’re Owl.”

“Hm, yes,” said Owl as he opened the door. “You must be the little girl who has been taking all the animals in the wood on an Expotition?”

“Yes. I want you take you to find a Geode Catch,” she said.

“Ah,” said Owl. “Hm. Yes. The spotted or herbacious Geocache. Geode, From the Greek, geodes.” He took down a book from his shelf and consulted it, very importantly, then turned it the right way up and consulted it more. “Meaning a sort of hollow rock with crystals lining the inside. And catch from the Anglo-Norman cachier, meaning… Hm… Um… To… To catch. I see. Yes. Well, we’d best be off then,” he said.

And so they were. And along the way, they happened upon Rabbit, who had been busy gardening all week, and thought that an Expotition to find a Geocache would be a good way to pass the time while he waited for his carrots to sprout. So along they went, once again, to the shady spot quite near the North Pole.

Owl found a convenient branch and busied himself with searching in all the high places, in between breaks to tell the story of his cousin Owlsworth, who once caught a geode that was hidden underneath a stage by the lake. Evelyn thought it was very lucky that the treasure was not hidden somewhere up high, because with all the story-telling, Owl got very little actual looking done.

Rabbit, meanwhile, looked in all the low places: between the flowers, and under the leaves and he even dug a few small holes, being something of an expert at digging. But before long, he looked in the hole in the log, and up he came with the treasure. “You found the treasure, Rabbit!” Evelyn exclaimed.

“Well so I did,” said Rabbit. “Let’s see what’s inside.” Evelyn helped him open the jar, and they looked at the treasures inside.

“Oh no,” Evelyn said. “The pen got lost. Now you can’t write your names in the book.”

“I believe I can help with that,” said Owl, and took one of his feathers to use as a quill pen. He flapped down from the convenient branch and wrote his name in the book, WOL. Then he gave the quill pen to Rabbit, to write his name. Once signing the book was done, Owl put the feather in the jar for the next person to use, and added a second feather as a treasure to trade. In return, he took the ribbon that Eeyore had left, because it would make a very nice bell-pull.

Rabbit looked in the jar as well, and after a bit, he saw the spring. “Why, I plant my carrots in the spring,” he said. “This spring is the perfect thing to put on my mantle to remind me of how much I like spring. Whenever I look at it, I’ll remember that when springtime comes along, I have to plant my carrots.”

Evelyn thought that was very funny, because the spring had been left by Tigger, and Evelyn knew that Tigger and Rabbit didn’t always get along. So it was very funny to her that Rabbit would be so excited to have one of Tigger’s springs. In its place, Rabbit left his extra gardening glove.

Rabbit was so excited to put his new spring on his mantle that he hopped straight off home once they had put the geocache back in its hiding place. Owl began to tell a story about his great aunt Muriel, who owned a pen shop specializing in quill pens, but Evelyn suddenly remembered that she had wanted to visit the bridge to nowhere near the lake, and so she said goodbye to Owl and headed home.

We start drifting a little from the way we originally told the story here because I couldn’t figure out how to make the original sequence of events make sense, but I assure you I have captured the overall gist of it.

In Which Evelyn Returns to the Hundred Acre Wood, and Piglet Almost Meets a Muggle

A day or so later, Evelyn once again decided to go for a scooter-walk to the Hundred Acre wood. And before long, she came to the home of the Piglet. Evelyn knew it was Piglet’s house the moment she saw it, because it was a beech tree, and because it was next to a sign that said, “TRESPASSERS W”, and because Piglet was standing in front of it, sweeping the dust from his front step.

“Hello Piglet,” Evelyn said. “I’m Evelyn. I know you are Piglet, and you’re Winnie-the-Pooh’s friend.”

“Hallo, Evelyn,” said Piglet. “Pooh Bear told me all about your Expotition. It sounded like quite the grand adventure.”

Evelyn thought that Piglet sounded rather sad, as though he were very sorry to have missed the Expotition. In fact, Piglet was mostly of the opinion that the very best sorts of grand adventures were the ones that were already over and done with so that everyone could enjoy a pleasant Pooh Hum about them.

Evelyn said, “We could go on our own Expotition if you like. And you could find the treasure yourself.”

“Hm,” said Piglet. “I suppose if it’s an adventure, I should go. But are we likely to meet any Heffalumps on the way? Because I very nearly met a Heffalump once, and I shouldn’t like to repeat it if Pooh isn’t about. It’s so much safer with two, you know.”

“I don’t think we’ll see any Heffalumps,” Evelyn said in a breezy sort of way. “But we must be on the lookout for Muggles.”

“Oh dear,” Piglet said in a worried sort of way. “Are Muggles terribly ferocious?”

“No, no, Piglet,” said Evelyn. “Muggles are what Geocachers call people who don’t know about Geocaching. You have to be very careful not to let a Muggle see you when you find a geocache, because they don’t know the rules.”

“Well that’s all right then,” said Piglet, and so he and Evelyn and Red Zoomer set off, past the six pine trees, and toward the little spinney where Pooh had once failed to catch a woozle, and over the river, and at long last to the shady spot quite near the North Pole.

Evelyn showed Piglet how they had to search. Piglet looked under stones and between sticks and had just spotted the treasure jar inside the knot-hole when a rustling sound came from beyond the clearing. “Muggles!” Piglet shouted, and hid himself in the knot-hole at once.

But Evelyn just laughed. “Look, Piglet,” she said. “It’s your friends Tigger and Roo.”

And so it was. That morning, after Tigger and Roo had their breakfast of malt extract and tea cakes, they had gone out for a bounce in the woods, and by chance had happened upon the little shady spot just as Piglet had found the treasure. Piglet poked his head up out of the knot-hole, and in a very cautious voice, asked, “But are they muggles?”

“I’ll check,” Evelyn said. “Hi Tigger, I’m Evelyn. Do you know about geocaching?”

Tigger, being that sort of tigger, puffed out is chest and said, “‘Course I do. Catching geodes is what Tiggers do best!” and to demonstrate, he bounced straight up into the air, snatched something, and presented it to Evelyn. “See?” he asked.

It quickly became clear to Evelyn that Tigger had confused geodes with cicadas, for there were rather a lot of them this year. Evelyn leaned down close to Piglet and whispered, “I think they might be Muggles, Piglet. You know what that means.”

Piglet did not know what that means, and said so, but Evelyn smiled and said, “It means we get to teach them all about it!” And so she did, explaining to Tigger and Roo all about Geocaching, and how to follow a map, and how to search for treasure, and how they could trade something if they found it. Roo thought this was all terribly exciting and began pointing all about at every crook and hole and shadow on every tree and begging Tigger to climb up and look. Tigger, who had learned his lesson about climbing trees, was rather nervous about the prospect, and contented himself to searching just the branches that were below bouncing height.

Piglet climbed out of the knot-hole and made a grand show of searching as well, because he thought it would be rather impressive if he pretended not to know where the treasure was, and then just sort of found it in a casual sort of way. But he left it too long, and little Roo bounced into the knot-hole and found the treasure himself. Piglet was greatly disappointed by this, but Evelyn game him a knowing sort of wink, which made him feel better about the whole thing.

Evelyn helped Roo open the jar, and they all looked at the many small treasures inside. Evelyn suggested that Piglet should choose first, as he was the first one to join the Expotition. Inside the jar, Piglet found a Lego figure that looked just like himself, and he thought that it was so perfect that maybe someone had left it there just for him. Evelyn agreed that was a very likely thing, and asked what treasure he was going to leave in its place.

“I hadn’t thought of that,” Piglet said. “I suppose I could leave a haycorn.”

“I don’t know, Piglet,” said Evelyn. “It could be a long time before the next person finds the Geode Catch, and the haycorn could be spoiled by then.”

Piglet, who was starting to feel a little peckish, was relieved to hear that. So instead, he checked himself all over. As it happened, Piglet was wearing a brand new sweater, or jumper, depending on your localization and what sort of stone Harry Potter found in your area. And it came with a very splendid extra button. As Piglet – having the wrong sort of fingers for buttoning buttons – never buttoned the buttons on his sweater, or jumper, to begin with, he didn’t imagine he would need a spare. Evelyn agreed that a pretty button was a very good sort of treasure, so Piglet traded it for the little Lego Piglet.

Next, it was Roo’s turn. Roo had a few marbles in his pocket, and he traded them for some marbles that he found in the jar, and if you could tell the difference between the marbles he started with and the marbles he ended with, you have a keener eye than I do, but Roo was happy with the trade.

Finally, it was Tigger’s turn. Tigger’s first thought was to take the very button that Piglet had just left, but Evelyn suggested it might be more fun to leave that for someone who didn’t know where it had come from. So Tigger dug down deeper in the jar and found a Tigger-shaped key. “A Tigger key!” he exclaimed. “Why, this is the most tigger-riffic treasure I’ve ever found!” and in trade, he left one of his extra springs, feeling that with his new key, he was entirely bouncy enough without it.

Afterward, everyone wrote their names in the log book. Piglet, of course, could write his own name. Roo could not, but insisted on trying anyway. Tigger, after insisting that name-writing was what Tiggers did best, and then fumbling with the pen several times because pens are not a good fit for Tigger-paws, conceded that, “Tiggers don’t like using pens,” and let Evelyn write it for him as he spelled his name out for her: T-I-GG-R.

Once the cache was safely put away, Tigger and Roo bounced happily off into the woods to find whatever locks they could try Tigger’s new key on, and Evelyn climbed aboard Red Zoomer to see Piglet home and perhaps have a little lunch, because she had never tried haycorns before. But just as they were passing the six pine trees, a passing squirrel dropped a nut into a pile of dry leaves and it made a little rustle and Piglet, who had been thinking in a very thoughtful sort of way about the day’s adventure, was so startled that he suddenly shouted, “M- M- Muggles!” and ran all the way home.

The other night, my daughter asked me to tell her a story. I made her do the heavy lifting. Here, after some editing, is the first part of what we came up with.

In Which a Visitor comes to the Hundred Acre Wood to teach Winnie-the-Pooh about Geode Catching

Quite a long time ago – it may have been last Sunday or perhaps even Saturday – there was a little girl named Evelyn. And once day, Evelyn decided to go on a Scooter Walk. So she got her scooter, which she had named “Red Zoomer” on account of it was very fast, and also red, and she set off for the Hundred Acre Wood. By and by, Evelyn came to a house in the forest with the name “Sanders” written over the door in large gold letters. Now, of course, Evelyn could read very well, so long as she limited herself to sight words like “is” and “as” and “the”. But “Sanders” was a different matter entirely. But she gave the matter a little think, and it occurred to her that she certainly couldn’t read the name “Sanders”, and she couldn’t read the name written over the door, so, logically, that meant that the name over the door must be “Sanders”, which meant that Winnie-the-Pooh lived under it. And so it was.

Evelyn had always wanted to meet Winnie-the-Pooh, of course. Her brother Dylan had once told her all about the dangers of entering a bear’s house uninvited, so she knocked firmly on the door.

Winnie-the-Pooh had just finished his mid-morning snack, and had been preparing for his late-morning snack when he heard the knocking. As it was quite an unusual time for a visitor, he called out, in a cautious voice, “Who’s there? Are you a friend?”

“Someone’s friend in particular, or just generally sociable?” Evelyn answered. Because she always tried to be a friend, but on odd occasions she had been know to bite someone, particularly if they wouldn’t share the crayons. But never hard enough to leave marks.

“Are you a friend of Pooh Bear?” asked Pooh, though he was starting to develop his own suspicions.

“You’ll have to ask him,” Evelyn called back. “We haven’t met yet.”

Pooh rested his head against his paw and thought about this. And for a bear of very little brain, this was a difficult question. Now, the way Pooh saw it, it was generally best for someone to be a friend, because friends tended to say very friendly things like, “Would you care for a small smackerel of honey?” So he nodded to himself and called out, “Then I suppose you had better be,” and flung open the door.

“I’m Evelyn,” Evelyn said, by way of introduction. “And this is my scooter, Red Zoomer.”

“Ah,” said Pooh. “You must be my very good friend Evelyn.” He leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “Is Red Zoomer a friend as well?”

“Oh yes,” said Evelyn, “Red Zoomer is a very good friend who hardly ever topples over and drops me on my face.”

“Well that’s all right then,” said Winnie-the-Pooh. “What brings you to the Hundred Acre Wood today?” asked Bear. “I don’t suppose you came to invite someone to lunch?”

Evelyn laughed. “Actually, I came here to go on an Expotition. I know you are very famous for your Expotition to find the North Pole, and thought you would like to go with me.”

Winnie-the-Pooh was always pleased when someone remembered his discovery of the North Pole, and so he almost agreed immediately, but it occurred to him first to ask, “Will this Expotition be searching for any of the fiercer animals, such as Jagulars or Woozles?” Because while Pooh was quite obviously the bravest bear in the Hundred Acre Wood, he shuddered to think what one of the fiercer animals might do to his new friend Evelyn. To say nothing of Red Zoomer.

Once again, Evelyn just laughed, “Silly old bear. This Expotition is to find Treasure.” And she said it just like that, with a capital letter and everything. She quite likely would have said it in italics as well, but being a very small child, she couldn’t stretch her fingers far enough to press control-I.

“I see,” Pooh thought. “Would this treasure happen to be of the edible sort?”

“Possibly,” Evelyn said. “You never can tell with geocaches.”

Bear considered this. “Begging your pardon,” he asked, “But what exactly is a Geode Catch?”

“It’s a treasure,” Evelyn said, carelessly. “You follow a map to find it.”

“And how quickly does the map move? Will we have to run?”

Evelyn showed Pooh her phone. Or rather, the phone she had borrowed from her daddy. “This is a map,” she explained. “The X shows us where the treasure is.”

“So we look for the X?” asked Bear.

“We look for the spot,” Evelyn said. “The X shows us where the spot is.”

“Will the X be joining us here, or will we meet it along the way?”

“Silly old bear,” Evelyn said. “Come on. You should bring some treasure too.”

Now, Pooh was confused. More confused. “I thought we were finding treasure at the spot.”

“Yes, but if we take the treasure, we should leave something else for the next person to find,” Evelyn said.

So Pooh reluctantly collected one of his smaller honeypots, and then Pooh Bear and Evelyn and Red Zoomer set out to follow the map to find the spot. Evelyn made a grand production of directing the Expotition this way and that, past the six pine trees, then south toward the little spinney where Pooh had once failed to catch a Woozle, and over the river, stopping only long enough for a single game of Pooh Sticks. And as they walked, Pooh thought of a little hum about their Expotition:

Bear and Girl set out one day,
They went for a walk in a usual way,
What did they seek? A Geode Catch.
Where will they find it? A wooded patch.
Over and under and around and through,
Went Girl and Bear. Oh, and Red Zoomer too.

At long last, Evelyn and Pooh came to a shady spot, not far from the North Pole. “Aha!” Evelyn declared. “This is the spot.”

“I don’t see a spot,” said Pooh. “I don’t even see an X.”

Evelyn pointed to the map. “The map says that we must search.” And so they did. Evelyn immediately started looking underneath leaves and up trees and between blades of grass. Pooh walked around in circles several times, and then searched inside his footprints. But after several minutes, he had found neither spot nor X, and so he sat down beside a fallen log to have a think. And as the ground was rather uneven, he set his small honeypot in a knot-hole in the log to hold it steady.

“Now,” said Winnie-the-Pooh, “I always think better when I have had a small something.” So he reached for his honeypot inside the knot-hole on the log. To his very great surprise, however, what he found was an entirely different jar.

He studied it carefully. “There is something very unusual about this knot-hole,” he said. After a moment of panic, he looked again, and found his own honeypot still safely tucked in the hole beside the other jar. “Perhaps,” he thought, “This is the sort of knot-hole that often contains two honey jars.” And so he opened the new jar. “Oh bother,” he said. “No honey.”

“Pooh!” Evelyn exclaimed, “You’ve found the treasure!”

“Have I?” asked Pooh. “I thought it was a jar.”

“It is a jar,” Evelyn said. “The treasure is inside.” She showed Pooh how inside the jar was a tiny book and a collection of small baubles. Pooh found that among the things inside was a very nice pencil eraser. Pooh, of course, had very little use for a pencil eraser, but this one happened to have his own face printed on it.

“What a lovely eraser,” Pooh said. “It looks almost like it was made for me.”

“Maybe it was,” Evelyn said. “Maybe someone put it there hoping you would be the one to find it. You can have it if you like,” she said, “If you have something to leave in its place.”

To Pooh’s very great relief, it was plainly obvious that even the smallest of honeypots would not fit inside the jar. But as it happened, the previous day, Pooh had found a very pretty stone by the edge of the stream, and as luck would have it, he was carrying it with him that day. Evelyn agreed that a pretty stone would be a suitable sort of thing to leave as a treasure. So Pooh deposited his stone in the jar, and in return, he took the eraser. Then Evelyn showed him how they were supposed to write their names in the little book to let everyone know they had found the treasure. First, she wrote her name, “EƲ3LŲN”. Then she helped Pooh write his name. Evelyn did not know how to spell “Pooh”, and Pooh himself only had a very general notion of it, so they wrote “P.B.” for Pooh Bear, and left it at that. After, they closed up the jar and tucked it back inside the knot hole.

“Did you have a good Expotition, Pooh?” Evelyn asked.

“Oh yes,” answered Bear. “I so wish my friends could learn all about Geode Catching as well.”

“Well maybe they will,” Evelyn said. “Now, I’m getting kind of hungry. Let’s go have a small smackerel.”

And so they did.