Stephanie Meyer, give vampires back their balls.

This movie.
This phenomenon.
It fucking blows.
You’re not going to get my usual detailed recap, because this movie just fucking sucks and I feel bad for just watching it. But I know I should watch the whole thing so that I am properly qualified when I go off on insane rants elsewhere on the internet about how much this movie sucks. So you’re just going to get some highlights.
Below the fold…

A new girl moves to a town called “Fork” where everyone is so nice that they do not make any obvious jokes.
Everyone is unspeakably nice to Bella, and in return she is a total bitch to them.
Everyone, that is, except Edward Cullen, who everyone tells us is really hot, because HE IS SOME SORT OF FUCKING UGLY MUTANT so there is no way you could possibly mistake him for handsome unless you were repeatedly told so. While under hypnotic drugs.
Edward treats her like shit, because she gives him impure vampire thoughts on which he doesn’t want to act. This gives Bella several orgasms, even while she treats the nice kids, all of whom have fallen head-over-heels in love with her, like shit. This leads me to suspect that Stephanie Meyer did not get nearly enough hugs in high school.
Mary Sue Bella falls for Edward, convinces all her friends to date each other instead of her, and Edward warns her that she’ll only be in for disappointment, because she will end up marrying him, and Edward Cullen is a total manipulative douchebag asshole motherfucker.

I haven’t read Twilight, but I did read The Host. A common factor between these books is “Anyone who treats other people nicely, indiscriminately and without any specific reason is worthy only of your contempt.” This is kind of a strange moral lesson, because I’ve heard a lot about how Stephanie Meyer is a mormon, and her works are heavily influenced by the teachings of her faith. Now, I don’t for a minute assume that my experiences are exhaustive, but a big group of my friends back in high school were Latter Day Saints, and they were, to a one, extremely pleasant people who were genuinely pleasant and friendly. Indiscriminately. Without any specific reason.
Just saying.

Edward comes from a large incestuous family of teenagers who are immortal and have chosen to enjoy this by staying in high school for centuries. Because High School is generally the happiest four years of your life.
Bella goes shopping for prom dresses with her friends, then ditches them and gets cornered by street toughs, which is easier because it is suddenly and magically the middle of the night. Edward saves her, randomly showing up because he’s stalking her, and wants to murder anyone who dares think unkind thoughts about her. Because that is a sign of true love and devotion.
He reveals that he’s drawn to her because she’s the only person whose mind he can’t read. Bella decides this means that she is defective, but then they do a closeup, so she has another orgasm (Seriously, like every closeup of her).
She finally works out that he’s a vampire, by googling “cold skin”, and confronts him, whereupon he reveals that he’s a vampire, and demonstrates that thing you’ve already heard about vampires in Twilight already. But I ought to point out that, at least in the movie, it does not make him become even more beautiful. It makes him look sort of scaly, with a bit of glowyness reminiscent of right before Agent Smith exploded at the end of The Matrix.
Edward does something that doesn’t suck — don’t get used to it — and makes a rather good speech about why he’s so damned sexy (Look, I don’t buy it and neither do you, but let’s just roll with it): his features, his pheromones, his voice, his swagger, they’re all designed to help him lure his prey. This is, as he notes, ridiculous since he’s also got the combined powers of Spider-Man, the Hulk, Wolverine, and Ant-Man (Okay, he can’t shrink to the size of an any, but I totally bet he has the power to get away with beating his wife).
He also really, really wants to eat Bella. His family considers themselves “vegetarians” because they only feed on animals (I bet the animals would disagree with their choice of terms). But, he explains, the diet is sustaining, but unsatisfying, “Like living off of tofu.” (I bet actual vegetarians would disagree).
Bella and Edward become a thing, and this movie spends 20 minutes laboring under the crazy delusion that it would be cool to pretend that this was just an ordinary teen romance. She meets his family, who bend over backwards to be nice to her, because these vampires are FUCKING PUSSIES.

Here’s the thing. Do you know why “vampire romance” became a genre? It’s because, whether or not is is a good idea, there is romance in the idea of a relationship with someone “dangerous”. That is what it is about. Dating a boy who your dad will disapprove of. Dating a girl who will not freak out if you ask for something kinky.
Aside from Edward saying so these are the least dangerous vampires I’ve ever seen. These vampires are pussies. These vampires DON’T EVEN SUCK.

Later, Edward reveals that he’s been sneaking into her room every night for months to watch her sleep. She tries to reward him with sex. Because girls LOVE being stalked.

Common theme between The Host and Twilight #2: If you passively accept being treated badly for long enough, you wll be rewarded with love. (Seriously, the second third of The Host is Wanderer basically being tortured continuously for months before everyone decided to love her)

Edward formally meets Bella’s dad (Who totally would have been played by Tom Skerritt if this were 20 years ago) and asks permission to court her. Dangerous Vampire Boyfriend. They go out to play baseball. Yes. The vampire family goes out to play baseball. Excuse me while I say “Fuck” for about five minutes.

Okay, I’m back. The climax of this movie is when some non-vegetarian vampires show up — they’ve been committing a string of murders in a side-plot — and after looking menacing, ask to play baseball with them. So the good vampires and the bad vampires are going to resolve their differences by laying baseball.
I need to say “fuck” some more.

Anyway, one of the vampires is especially evil and decides that he wants to eat and kill Bella, so they go on the lamb, but the evil vampire catches her, breaks her leg, and bites her, before Douchebag and his family show up to murder this other vampire. Edward, with difficulty, sucks out the venom and resists the urge to suck her blood out.
And then they go to prom. Fucking prom date with a vampire.
I need to go bleach my eyeballs out or something.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *